The Fork in My Road

It’s that moment when you realize that this one decision will change your life forever. The beauty of it is that life will go on and time heals most things. Things have a way of working out. As a young college student, I’ve struggled with figuring out what I want to do with my life, and after months of thinking I had it all straightened out- my whole life planned, reality is settling in. Never give up on your dreams, and I intend to follow mine as far as I can. But…it is wise to have a plan B. I’m just writing my thoughts down because this has been something rather upsetting for me this week. Going from very confident to less than confident in my future plans put a damper on the way I saw the world. Am I not cut out for my dream of being a doctor? Do I even enjoy the difficult classes I’m taking? What if this isn’t what I end up doing. I’ve never really pictures myself doing anything else.

On days when I let my thoughts turn into worries from wandering down the road of ‘what ifs’ and uncertainties, I spend time talking with my closest friends. I’ve been fortunate enough to have never had any serious conflicts with my friends, but just yesterday…I came to the obvious realization that my friends need me, too; thattinually complaining to people that care about me may bring them down, too. It became all too real when my long-distance friend and were having a conversation over text, when the smiley faces stopped and the seriousness began. I’ve always had a hard time answering the question “how are you?” This time was no different. My negative mindset set in again when I began to tell him what I thought about myself during this fork in my road. He made it blatantly clear…that he was sick of my negative attitude. After I got over a bit of shock from his frankness, I couldn’t blame him. I’ve been selfish with my time and emotions; expecting my friends to ask how I’m doing and forgetting to ask about them. The conversation ended on a strange note and the issue wasn’t really resolved. I can’t tell if he’s upset with me or not, but I’ll wait until he texts me again. We will always be there for each other, but I’m afraid that I’ve pushed him further away.

I’ll be honest. I have had some depressive episodes due to the craziness of my life and the way I let people affect my emotions. I get lonely sometimes. Even in my world of acquaintances. I’m trying to remember all I have going for me to help lift my spirits, but sometimes when I feel really down…it’s almost like ‘I’m addicted to a certain kind of sadness,’ as the song lyrics go. I wonder if any one else feels this way and knows how it feels to be where I am. I’m sure there are many people out there who experienced something quite similar. Anyhow, some part of me almost wants to say that this whole thing is ‘first world problems’ because I am so blessed in all areas of my life, but people probably deal with relatable issues all over the world. From parental expectations to friendship worries.

This is the fork in my road and I have some important decisionsto make. I think this is God saying that I either need to step up my game or open my eyes to new possibilities, and either path will be very rewarding. I can feel better days are yet to come. Challenges have only made me stronger.

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