You Look At Each Other As If There’s No History

It’s amazing. It’s amazing that you can look at each other and not say anything. Not even a ‘hey’. Empty eye contact. Every time you look at that person you see all of the memories and the way things used to be. Now, I am not talking about an ex-boyfriend, but someone I mutually cared about. Now I feel nothing. The only thing that goes through my mind when I see him is ‘why do we have to ignore each other?’ ‘What’s going through his mind?’ We make eye contact like passing strangers who have nothing to say to each other. How did it even get like this? There was no argument. No ‘I’m just not that into you’ conversation. Just distance…which doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder. I suppose that I let it happen. I let him get the idea in his head that I wasn’t that into him by distancing myself. I did it because I knew it would be best for me, not because I didn’t like him. I believe that it is a true sign of strength and self-respect when you can walk away from something or someone you care about because it will be better for you in the long run. It was a difficult time in my life because I didn’t know what to do. At that time, no one had ever made it obvious to me that they liked me and I was craving that kind of attention. It frustrated me that after knowing each other for a whole year, flirting like crazy, that he never once told me he liked me. There was no communication about ‘us,’ just joking around and flirting. It was immature and I knew that the lack of communication would bite me hard someday. It was destined to fall apart if it ever fell together.

Today I just think it was because there was enough uncertainty in his mind and in his life that the timing wasn’t right. I am happy that I let it slip away because now I have my priorities in line and he can continue to flirt with other girls as he’s always done. But at the same time, it’s too bad there was never any conversation about it. As the quote goes, “The hardest goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.” I don’t think he knows what he wants and that’s why he got into a relationship so quickly after he seemed to catch on that I was no longer interested. It lasted a week. It only helped prove the point I was trying to make to myself to keep me from wanting him- that he’s not ready for a relationship, he just wants one.

I can honestly say that I have no feelings for him or anybody at this time in my life. It is actually very freeing. I now have the chance to take a breath, take a break, and live my life the way I want to. I don’t have to like anyone or be in a relationship right now. I’m young and there is (hopefully) a long life ahead of me. My dad always say that I need to focus on myself and my future right now because (he promises) there will be time for that down the road.  My mom tells me that there is no doubt in her mind that I will find an amazing man and when I’m down about it my friends bring me encouragement, too. I am blessed with the people I have in life that care about me and I need to do a better job of caring for them.

It’s just interesting to me how time changes things. A year ago I thought for sure that guy and I would be together, and now, exactly one year later, we don’t talk anymore. It’s too bad that people can leave just as fast as they entered, but at the same time that can be a big blessing. That also means that people can come into my life quickly and unexpectedly and that I cannot know what tomorrow may bring. It’s exciting but it requires a lot of patience to try to live in the present.

These are just a bunch of thoughts I’m typing, but isn’t it funny…that although you never thought it would end up this way…that you can pass by each other like strangers…?

busy-city-sidewalk-full-of-people

photo credit ecoHolos.com

The Fork in My Road

It’s that moment when you realize that this one decision will change your life forever. The beauty of it is that life will go on and time heals most things. Things have a way of working out. As a young college student, I’ve struggled with figuring out what I want to do with my life, and after months of thinking I had it all straightened out- my whole life planned, reality is settling in. Never give up on your dreams, and I intend to follow mine as far as I can. But…it is wise to have a plan B. I’m just writing my thoughts down because this has been something rather upsetting for me this week. Going from very confident to less than confident in my future plans put a damper on the way I saw the world. Am I not cut out for my dream of being a doctor? Do I even enjoy the difficult classes I’m taking? What if this isn’t what I end up doing. I’ve never really pictures myself doing anything else.

On days when I let my thoughts turn into worries from wandering down the road of ‘what ifs’ and uncertainties, I spend time talking with my closest friends. I’ve been fortunate enough to have never had any serious conflicts with my friends, but just yesterday…I came to the obvious realization that my friends need me, too; thattinually complaining to people that care about me may bring them down, too. It became all too real when my long-distance friend and were having a conversation over text, when the smiley faces stopped and the seriousness began. I’ve always had a hard time answering the question “how are you?” This time was no different. My negative mindset set in again when I began to tell him what I thought about myself during this fork in my road. He made it blatantly clear…that he was sick of my negative attitude. After I got over a bit of shock from his frankness, I couldn’t blame him. I’ve been selfish with my time and emotions; expecting my friends to ask how I’m doing and forgetting to ask about them. The conversation ended on a strange note and the issue wasn’t really resolved. I can’t tell if he’s upset with me or not, but I’ll wait until he texts me again. We will always be there for each other, but I’m afraid that I’ve pushed him further away.

I’ll be honest. I have had some depressive episodes due to the craziness of my life and the way I let people affect my emotions. I get lonely sometimes. Even in my world of acquaintances. I’m trying to remember all I have going for me to help lift my spirits, but sometimes when I feel really down…it’s almost like ‘I’m addicted to a certain kind of sadness,’ as the song lyrics go. I wonder if any one else feels this way and knows how it feels to be where I am. I’m sure there are many people out there who experienced something quite similar. Anyhow, some part of me almost wants to say that this whole thing is ‘first world problems’ because I am so blessed in all areas of my life, but people probably deal with relatable issues all over the world. From parental expectations to friendship worries.

This is the fork in my road and I have some important decisionsto make. I think this is God saying that I either need to step up my game or open my eyes to new possibilities, and either path will be very rewarding. I can feel better days are yet to come. Challenges have only made me stronger.

Gen Y Girl

My senior year of high school, I had the genius idea of taking AP Physics, AP Calculus, and AP Statistics, all at the same time.

I pushed myself so hard that year all because I wanted to earn college credits and therefore graduate from college in less than four years.

I did that.

I started working a full-time job at the age of 19 and earned my bachelor’s degree in two and a half years.

I figured that if I got my degree early and had some experience under my belt, I’d be ahead of the game career-wise and would be taking steps towards my journey up the quote-on-quote career ladder. If I did this, I would be a few steps closer to becoming the VP of some great company where my work would consume all of my energy every day.

That’s what success looked like most of my life.

I was…

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Class

Class is harder to maintain in today’s society. Just look at how our high school’s have changed. It’s all about looking sexy and attractive, being in a relationship, and having money. Values and morals have become a second priority to a lot of people. I try my best never to appear immodest or act, excuse my language, like a slutty bitch. I can tell when someone is being fake or when looking cute is their number one priority, but that’s not to say that I am not guilty of this at times. Looking pretty is important to me but values are the most important- no questions about it.

I show class by being respectful in every way I can. Respect is extremely important to me. If you act disrespectfully or are disrespectful in any way than I find that extremely unnattractive, sickening, and shallow.

There are some things I am working on, though.

  • My mom recently told me to dress tastefully. I found this to be the perfect word to describe how a lady should dress and I need to work on that.
  • I really need to work on watching what comes out of my mouth. Too often I speak before I think and I have regrets because of that. I should hold my tongue sometimes.
  • It’s important that I spend my time more wisely. I use electronics too often and I should redirect my focus to my studies and try reading in my free time or cooking.Keep some mystery and be tasteful in how you dress. Be respectful, caring, thoughtful, and slow down a bit. Our life styles are so fast-paced that it’s rare to truly enjoy the little things anymore. Live simply and quietly but stand up for what you believe in and be strong. Don’t take crap from anyone, be weary of trusting others, and be your own person. We all need people we can lean on sometimes but don’t be dependent on anybody. Do not worry. Do not be afraid. Get to know God.

All My Love

My heart and head came to a consensus today with total agreement on moving on to something far better. I’m too good for him and I know that. I deserve so much better. It was like some serious infatuation that only became because I was getting some flirty attention. Right now I’m just in that stage where I’m so over it and I just want nothing to do with it anymore. At times like this, Taylor Swift is my role model. Beautiful, simple, and deep. However, I’ve got to get stronger. I think God gave me this whole drama-fest in my mind to teach me these lessons. I will not need to relearn this lesson because I was certainly paying attention. I’m not blaming him though because neither of us did anything wrong. What messed me up is expecting something that didn’t happen and I got upset. That isn’t love. I want to fall in love with my best friend. A man that loves me with all of his heart and isn’t afraid to talk with me. He loves being with me and will fight for me because he cares for me. I think that I am mature enough for a long-term, loving relationship but I am trusting God and His timing.

Looking forward to meeting the one who loves all of me all of the time. Someone I can trust with anything.

I love you.

Heart vs. Head

So right now I’m in this heart vs. head internal struggle about a certain situation. My head says “No way you should pursue this person because he will not help to better you in any way and you already know how flaky he is. He’s not reliable at all and he’s not going to be there for you.” Meanwhile there’s this confusion with my heart whenever he is really flirty with me. At those moments in time I feel wanted. I feel like it has the potential to go somewhere. The bottom line here is that we were not friends before we started flirting and we have horrible communication on every level. I know this and what I mean is that we can’t sit down and have a conversation. We’re just really silly and have fun. I guess that tells me that that is all he’s looking for. But I still like him. I don’t know why but I guess it has to do with a few traits that I find attractive. I don’t know whether to go with the flow and not worry about it, flirt and hope for the best, or to stop flirting all together and move on.

I just plan on going with the flow because I don’t want to rock the boat. Yet as much as I love to flirt, I don’t have time for the guessing-game and I’d like a “yes” or a “no.” My heart and head are in a dead heat right now because I know what’s best for me but I also know that it’s not a bad thing to care about someone.

Maybe I’ve simply fallen in love with the idea of love.

“You can’t start the next chapter in your life if you keep rereading the last one.”